Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 17, Episode 1
The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions from the first episode of the seventeenth series. Key DH: Darren Harriott ZL: Zoe Lyons EG: Ed Gamble JA: James Acaster HD: Hugh Dennis AB: Angela Barnes Topics Commercials That Never Made It To Air HD: Trouble with your nerves? Don't move to Salisbury. AB: Special offer must end soon! Ant and Dec: Buy two, get one! ZL: Southern Rail: On time, every time. EG: (Scottish accent) Oh, no, me husband died in the night! He was wearing his favorite kilt and he had lovely fudge and he passed away and now I've got no husband! (normal voice) Real Scottish Widows. DH: Toast: Because you're not allowed to pour melted butter directly into your mouth. JA: Toblerone: For those friends you remember right at the last second. HD: Ryman are changing their name in the North East. They're gonna be called "Ry aye, man!" EG: Can't decide between LSD and magic mushrooms? Well, read all our reviews of hallucigenics on TripAdvisor. AB: Want a blush that lasts all day? Watch Fifty Shades Of Gray with your nan. DH: Black and considering Dignitas? Why not save your money and come to America? Approach a police officer for more information. EG: Ever wanted to eat a novelty sized pencil eraser? Try halloumi! HD: And now the homemade pizza that's so easy, anyone can do it: Pizza Piss. JA: I'm Gaz, this is Leccy, and we're the new hosts of Saturday Night Takeaway! DH: The new Frosties cereal for people with Tourette's syndrome: They're grrrr-andma's a bitch! HD: We're not just making people redundant. We're making M&S people redundant. ZL: Ladies, feel more confident with Tena Lady. Urine safe hands. DH: Cars: Because sometimes horses are just two men in a costume. AB: Heavy periods? Wombs? Other women's things? Right now, the men aren't listening, the revolution starts at dawn. EG: Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon. Please kill me. HD: Next week at Asda, (taps his pocket twice) we're arresting ourselves for sexual assault. Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Medical Exam ZL: So we have successfully removed all of the excessive unsightly fatty matter, but I'm afraid all that's left is the wig, Mrs. Trump. HD: Right, I'm going to just remove you're finger from my bottom. Thank you, nurse. Now would you show the patient in? EG: And how many units would you say you drink a week? Oh, four. Tell you what, I'll just write "absolute lightweight". HD: Mr. Rees-Mogg, you must be in for your bell endoscopy. AB: Now you may feel an itching sensation because I've forgot to put my gloves on and I'm absolutely riddled. JA: Uh, when you pick up your prescription, deliver this message: Pharmacists stink, doctors rule! EG: Well, I've done your rectal exam and your tonsil exam and I have very bad news: I didn't wash my hand in between. AB: You're constipated? Well, that's because you've only got three weeks to live. Only joking, but you're not constipated anymore, are you? DH: It was a six month waiting list because of all the immigrants. Now that they've gone back home, it's an eighteen month waiting list! Turns out they were all the staff. JA: Okay, so the deal is I don't tell your husband it's not his baby and you don't tell anyone that when you came in here, I was using my stethoscope to listen to my own butt. ZL: I'm afraid you have two rather nasty looking moles on your back, but more worrying that is the aggressive looking ferret in your ass. JA: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together. I could have got a mental disorder, that's so-- A classic's a classic! It's the stupidest one so far. ZL: I would shake your hand, doctor, but I don't wanna drop my stool sample. EG: Well, we've x-rayed you, madam, and I don't know how to say this: You've swallowed a whole baby! DH: Oh, that's nice, it says here you've got a trophy! Oh, atrophy. HD: Well, you need two prosethic limbs. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg. JA: Well, I got a pen and I joined together all the moles on your back and it made a picture of me and I think we're soulmates. Hold me forever, I love you so much. HD: Yes. Yes, that is an enormous penis... and much bigger than yours. Category:Scenes We'd Like To See